Current mood: catalyzed
Category: Life
The Question of Today:
How much do you need to compromise in a committed relationship before it is unhealthy?
I know this much...
I know that a relationship that is healthy requires compromise from both parties.
I know that relationships are give and take otherwise you will always be butting heads.
I know that if you care enough about another person that compromising isn't always as hard as you thought it would be.
Here's my little story... I've only had 2 real romantic relationships. The man I married and my boyfriend of 8 months years after my divorce... I mean... I had a lot of non-relationships in between... but those two were my only real serious ones... because I am not counting my boyfriend when I lived in Chile... that was only trouble... and I was 15.
I compromised a lot in my first "real" relationship... I didn't compromise ANYTHING in my second relationship because I thought I had "learned my lesson".
If my ex husband said the sky was green... I said okay. I knew he was wrong... but I'd rather not fight about it and I figured that was his sad perspective... so in our relationship I knew that the sky was blue and sometimes orange and red and purple but for our sake it was always green. Obviously that is only an example... I'm pretty sure he really didn't think it was green... well who knows? He was an odd one.
In my second relationship I think I might have been a little more close minded because I was bound and determined not to let a boy alter my perspective ever again.
I believe there is a fine line of compromise... I believe it is a blend of vanilla and chocolate to make a mocha and create something new and fresh that neither of you had thought of before. It's the sunsets of purple, orange, red, blue and yellow that have a streak of green in them that will blow your mind... who knew?
Why are relationships so hard now days where marriages end so abruptly but a dating relationship can last for years? Is it because in the back of our mind we still have an out in a dating relationship? Is it because things are at our fingertips in this day and age and we can have anything we want at any time with a dial of just a few buttons? Are we so much about instant gratification that we forgot what is worth fighting for... that the things that are most worth while do not come so easy?
I flinch at the thought of my sister getting married in September. Don't get me wrong I am sooo happy for her. They are the most perfect couple... but yeah. I'm scared for her. I do know that if anyone can make it work... they can. Why? Because they are two amazing christian people who put God first before themselves and each other.
Makes me raise my standards 100 par. Why waste time with someone who you cannot see yourself marrying? When you do find this person though... who is a "maybe one day" guy... it is hard because you each have your own lives. Different jobs that schedules don't match... different cities... different plans... someone has to compromise... or do both compromise? Does love mean giving up your vanilla to make mocha-chocolatay? :)
Anyways... relationship is a scary word to me. the concept is even worse. but sometimes you just find someone that changes your mind... that flips your life upside down and consumes your thoughts and feelings... and the things you thought you wanted get blurred and you forget what your dreams were until later... do you resent that person years down the road? I didn't even realize how unhappy i was in my marriage until it was taken away from me. I realized how much I had given up and how little he had. I realized that I lost who I was. what a long recovery road it has been... and how much more I still have to go.
So for discussion purposes... how much compromise is okay before you cross the line to being just completely whipped?
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
crashpads
Current mood: grumpy
so here are my thoughts on crashpads.
they are not bad... for the most part when things runs smoothly.
most everyone is very nice.
i've made more lifelong friends. i
've seen some old friends.
i've taught my ways and learned theirs.
i do not like sharing a bathroom with so many people... especially one toilet.
i do not like the water pressure in a shower that is too small for me.
its a good thing i am not bigger... because my toes wouldnt be washd cause you can barely reach your toes its so small in there.
i also don't like when the power goes out for at least 6 hours.
i don't like sharing a mirror with 4 girls that have to go to work and are already late.
i don't like pretending im asleep at 5am when people are getting ready to work and i've only been home for an hour.
i don't like not having a key and having to wake someone up to let me in at night.
i don't like people in the morning. i am not a morning person... my delta smile is not so fresh in the morning...and im not a very nice person in the morning.
i dont like when people take out the trash and make you feel bad cause you aren't doing it... even when they have someone that they pay to do that already.
i don't know how these girls have been doing this for so long... i like the bed and the food...
thats for sure. i'm pretty excited about my atlanta transfer so i can go home now instead of sleeping in weird places. that's pretty friggin great!
you will be seeing me more in nashville and san antonio... not much though cause im keepin a low profile... but i'll be around when you least expect it.
so here are my thoughts on crashpads.
they are not bad... for the most part when things runs smoothly.
most everyone is very nice.
i've made more lifelong friends. i
've seen some old friends.
i've taught my ways and learned theirs.
i do not like sharing a bathroom with so many people... especially one toilet.
i do not like the water pressure in a shower that is too small for me.
its a good thing i am not bigger... because my toes wouldnt be washd cause you can barely reach your toes its so small in there.
i also don't like when the power goes out for at least 6 hours.
i don't like sharing a mirror with 4 girls that have to go to work and are already late.
i don't like pretending im asleep at 5am when people are getting ready to work and i've only been home for an hour.
i don't like not having a key and having to wake someone up to let me in at night.
i don't like people in the morning. i am not a morning person... my delta smile is not so fresh in the morning...and im not a very nice person in the morning.
i dont like when people take out the trash and make you feel bad cause you aren't doing it... even when they have someone that they pay to do that already.
i don't know how these girls have been doing this for so long... i like the bed and the food...
thats for sure. i'm pretty excited about my atlanta transfer so i can go home now instead of sleeping in weird places. that's pretty friggin great!
you will be seeing me more in nashville and san antonio... not much though cause im keepin a low profile... but i'll be around when you least expect it.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
New York Adventures
Current mood: electric
I left texas reluctantly. I had so much fun there!
I did the double commute to JFK where I have been waiting to get my passport forever.... but haven't flown outta there in forever so I couldnt. I get to the lounge and get my lovely passport and run into one of my previous classmates. he tells me that he got his atlanta transfer approved... I told him I had put in for one... but didnt know if i got it... so he showed me how to check... LOW and BEHOLD! I got the friggin transfer!!! Why do I want to be based out of Hotlanta instead of the big apple? well as much as I love new york... I hate sleeping in airports... and its a double commute to get to nashville... which is where I pay for my apartment and car and all my utilities but dont ever get to sleep there... which is dumb. I have a lease until november. Apparently Atlanta is a hard city to get into because its such a senior city... but they asked for spanish speakers specifically and I got in! now this is only a temporary transfer... as soon as my lease is up in november... Im hoping to have some money saved up so I can move to new york and start flying out of here again. but until then... atlanta will help me be able to go home more often and to go to san antonio more frequently to be with my sister who is about to get married... now I can perform my maid of honor duties with ease. ;)
so here i am in new york. i was on call for 3 days... so i decided to rent a bed at a crashpad... its kinda like a hostel. well since i was sure i was gonna get called out to work... i only rented the bed for 2 nights... the lady put me in the main house in the basement by the laundry room... thats fine... whatever. i'll sleep anywhere really... it was very comfortable. the first night i fell asleep around midnight i guess... and supposedly there was some other guy going to sleep down there... since there are 3 beds... well i guess he did sleep there but was gone by 7am to do the AIDS walk... which i wish i knew about... cause i would love to do that... if i were more motivated. well the crashpad lady made a HUGE breakfast on sunday morning... so delicious! strawberry pancakes and bacon and sausage and eggs and oj. yum.
i kinda chilled all day... watched an amazing movie... "the diving bell and the butterfly".. and then decided to take an adventure into the city alone and see randall shreve play. i made it down there and was so impressed with my navigational skills of the transportation system. Randall played at Valhalla... which is a very cool little place on 9th between 54th and 53rd. I made a whole bunch of friends. I even got my own magic show played for me.
I stayed out quite late... and when we left around... 3ish or so... i was sure I could just reverse my transportation skills and make it home... well... the train station on 8th and 50th was closed... and i couldnt remember where the next station was... and by following word of mouth i tried to find it to no avail. so i had to suck it up and take a cab to jamaica/queens from manhattan. sucks. put me out almost $50! I get to the crashpad around 4am... everything is closed... locked up... dang. it's so cold outside and im wearing a tshirt, sweater, small leather jacket and a scarf... so I start thinking of how to make myself warm by sleeping in a corner outside the crashpad because surely someone has a 5am flight and will be coming out soon. I didnt want to wake the main lady up... around 4:30am.. I was cold, pissed at myself for not knowing what time the doors locked... pissed cause i was paying for a nice warm bed downstairs and contemplating sleeping like a homeless person with newspapers for a blanket. so I sent a text message to the main lady... i didnt want to call her cause i didnt want to wake her... but a text is a softer ring and maybe she would hear it or somethin.... well she did! and she scolded me for not calling her earlier. so that's good. nice warm bed. obviously after that adventure i decided to skip breakfast and sleep in.
Well my friend Breann stays at this crashpad too... so we decided that we were gonna go into town for an adventure monday afternoon. we are all starving hardcore... so we head into manhattan while running to the bus stop in the rain... excellent.
We were hungry but we had our priorities straight... so we headed straight to h&m first. :) I spent zero dollars and was quite proud of myself. We headed over to chipotle for ungodly sized burritos... yum! then over to the movies to see chronicles of narnia... well we had to go buy some provisions for the movie and we found a place names burgers and cupcakes... even though we couldnt fathom eating another bite of food... cupcakes always sound amazing. so we each picked out one... well the guy keeps trying to get us to try the other ones... so we finally agree to 2 cupcakes each... and then he just starts pulling cupcakes and makes it a dozen and charged us for one cupcake. suweet!
so provisions in hand, we head back to the movies to watch chronicles of narnia 2. After that we had heard that i had made a good impression on valhalla so we went back. :)
we had so many cupcakes that we started giving them away to strangers and making new friends. i gave a cupcake away to the sore loosers of new orleans... and being a spurs fan myself i decided they needed a cupcake. :)
someone ordered a pizza and the driver had one extra pizza leftover so we got a free pizza... excellent!
around 3am we decide its time to try and get home again... breann and i head to the station and its closed again. this time i have enough energy and sense to remember my pocket subway map and trace out where the next E station is...
i love new york at 3am.... its so peaceful and beautiful... so we did a little sight seeing at the same time.
and finally made it to lexington and 53rd, kinda a far walk but totally worth it. the E train was not running as normal... so it dropped us off somewhere weird... but closer to jamaica/queens so a cab wouldnt be so expensive. well it was like a deserted island... cause there were no cabs to be found... finally one stops and we run and get in... he is so old... and we tell him the cross streets of where we needed to go... he had no idea... but between breann and i we somehow directed him there... we were SOOO proud of ourselves. We are definitely honorary new yorkers now... says me anyways...
We got back into the house at around 4:30am and someone was coming out to go to work so we got in... excellent. :)
well the crashpad lady moved me to the second house since I had to rent the bed for a few more days since i didnt get called out on any assignments... so I am sitting on the top bunk of a bed in a room with about 20 other beds and one bathroom... there is a curtain all the way around my bed so im sitting in a fabric box. its so weird. SO weird.
Well I have 2 more nights here before I fly out to San Francisco. I can't wait for that trip! I dunno what kinda adventure we will run into tonight... but I cannot wait! :)
Ps. this is DC last week... the White House at 2am
I left texas reluctantly. I had so much fun there!
I did the double commute to JFK where I have been waiting to get my passport forever.... but haven't flown outta there in forever so I couldnt. I get to the lounge and get my lovely passport and run into one of my previous classmates. he tells me that he got his atlanta transfer approved... I told him I had put in for one... but didnt know if i got it... so he showed me how to check... LOW and BEHOLD! I got the friggin transfer!!! Why do I want to be based out of Hotlanta instead of the big apple? well as much as I love new york... I hate sleeping in airports... and its a double commute to get to nashville... which is where I pay for my apartment and car and all my utilities but dont ever get to sleep there... which is dumb. I have a lease until november. Apparently Atlanta is a hard city to get into because its such a senior city... but they asked for spanish speakers specifically and I got in! now this is only a temporary transfer... as soon as my lease is up in november... Im hoping to have some money saved up so I can move to new york and start flying out of here again. but until then... atlanta will help me be able to go home more often and to go to san antonio more frequently to be with my sister who is about to get married... now I can perform my maid of honor duties with ease. ;)
so here i am in new york. i was on call for 3 days... so i decided to rent a bed at a crashpad... its kinda like a hostel. well since i was sure i was gonna get called out to work... i only rented the bed for 2 nights... the lady put me in the main house in the basement by the laundry room... thats fine... whatever. i'll sleep anywhere really... it was very comfortable. the first night i fell asleep around midnight i guess... and supposedly there was some other guy going to sleep down there... since there are 3 beds... well i guess he did sleep there but was gone by 7am to do the AIDS walk... which i wish i knew about... cause i would love to do that... if i were more motivated. well the crashpad lady made a HUGE breakfast on sunday morning... so delicious! strawberry pancakes and bacon and sausage and eggs and oj. yum.
i kinda chilled all day... watched an amazing movie... "the diving bell and the butterfly".. and then decided to take an adventure into the city alone and see randall shreve play. i made it down there and was so impressed with my navigational skills of the transportation system. Randall played at Valhalla... which is a very cool little place on 9th between 54th and 53rd. I made a whole bunch of friends. I even got my own magic show played for me.
I stayed out quite late... and when we left around... 3ish or so... i was sure I could just reverse my transportation skills and make it home... well... the train station on 8th and 50th was closed... and i couldnt remember where the next station was... and by following word of mouth i tried to find it to no avail. so i had to suck it up and take a cab to jamaica/queens from manhattan. sucks. put me out almost $50! I get to the crashpad around 4am... everything is closed... locked up... dang. it's so cold outside and im wearing a tshirt, sweater, small leather jacket and a scarf... so I start thinking of how to make myself warm by sleeping in a corner outside the crashpad because surely someone has a 5am flight and will be coming out soon. I didnt want to wake the main lady up... around 4:30am.. I was cold, pissed at myself for not knowing what time the doors locked... pissed cause i was paying for a nice warm bed downstairs and contemplating sleeping like a homeless person with newspapers for a blanket. so I sent a text message to the main lady... i didnt want to call her cause i didnt want to wake her... but a text is a softer ring and maybe she would hear it or somethin.... well she did! and she scolded me for not calling her earlier. so that's good. nice warm bed. obviously after that adventure i decided to skip breakfast and sleep in.
Well my friend Breann stays at this crashpad too... so we decided that we were gonna go into town for an adventure monday afternoon. we are all starving hardcore... so we head into manhattan while running to the bus stop in the rain... excellent.
We were hungry but we had our priorities straight... so we headed straight to h&m first. :) I spent zero dollars and was quite proud of myself. We headed over to chipotle for ungodly sized burritos... yum! then over to the movies to see chronicles of narnia... well we had to go buy some provisions for the movie and we found a place names burgers and cupcakes... even though we couldnt fathom eating another bite of food... cupcakes always sound amazing. so we each picked out one... well the guy keeps trying to get us to try the other ones... so we finally agree to 2 cupcakes each... and then he just starts pulling cupcakes and makes it a dozen and charged us for one cupcake. suweet!
so provisions in hand, we head back to the movies to watch chronicles of narnia 2. After that we had heard that i had made a good impression on valhalla so we went back. :)
we had so many cupcakes that we started giving them away to strangers and making new friends. i gave a cupcake away to the sore loosers of new orleans... and being a spurs fan myself i decided they needed a cupcake. :)
someone ordered a pizza and the driver had one extra pizza leftover so we got a free pizza... excellent!
around 3am we decide its time to try and get home again... breann and i head to the station and its closed again. this time i have enough energy and sense to remember my pocket subway map and trace out where the next E station is...
i love new york at 3am.... its so peaceful and beautiful... so we did a little sight seeing at the same time.
and finally made it to lexington and 53rd, kinda a far walk but totally worth it. the E train was not running as normal... so it dropped us off somewhere weird... but closer to jamaica/queens so a cab wouldnt be so expensive. well it was like a deserted island... cause there were no cabs to be found... finally one stops and we run and get in... he is so old... and we tell him the cross streets of where we needed to go... he had no idea... but between breann and i we somehow directed him there... we were SOOO proud of ourselves. We are definitely honorary new yorkers now... says me anyways...
We got back into the house at around 4:30am and someone was coming out to go to work so we got in... excellent. :)
well the crashpad lady moved me to the second house since I had to rent the bed for a few more days since i didnt get called out on any assignments... so I am sitting on the top bunk of a bed in a room with about 20 other beds and one bathroom... there is a curtain all the way around my bed so im sitting in a fabric box. its so weird. SO weird.
Well I have 2 more nights here before I fly out to San Francisco. I can't wait for that trip! I dunno what kinda adventure we will run into tonight... but I cannot wait! :)
Ps. this is DC last week... the White House at 2am
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
The Shuttle
Current mood: sleepy
May 10... almost May 11 (officially)
Today was my little sisters graduation from UTSA. I couldn't have been prouder of her. She deserves it more than anyone I know. So we watched her cross the stage and screamed when she went across and took all of our pictures... Then to her house to get ready for the BBQ celebration. I had to pack and get in uniform since I had to fly out at 3:50 which was the last flight of the day and that's kinda risky but I didn't feel like I had a choice since I really wanted to be at the graduation.
We took all of our pictures together and my friend came to take me to the airport... We made it just in time! San Antonio is so bad about their construction and just closing areas down with no warning so we did a few loopy-rounds until we finally got there. I rushed in to get through security and San Antonio is laid out where crew members cut the main line of people and go to the first class line... and then we are allowed to cut in front of people so we don't miss flights. So I apologized to the people as I cut them... cause I really do feel bad about cutting... and I guess the guy behind me didn't hear... and threw a 3rd grade hissy fit. I'm obviously in uniform and obviously in hurry... I probably delayed him maybe 30 seconds... and he says... "Excuse me, you just cut."
I said, "Yes sir, I did. I'm crew and I have to get to work."
So he pouts and tells the TSA lady (which is Security) that I cut in front of him and starts looking around at the people behind him like he's gonna try and gather up a gang or something.
TSA just told him, "Yessir, she is crew. She is allowed to cut."
What a jerk that guy is. Heck. He was probably there 2 hours early for his flight anyways.
So I made my flight barely and read half of my very good book and fought to stay awake so I could sleep good tonight. We were on a really small plane so I had to carry all my bags up and down the stairs because there was no jetway... and mostly people helped me because I was obviously having issues. Well on my way out of the plane stairs and up to the airport I fell down the stairs... the guy behind me helped me up. SO embarrassing! I tried to regain some dignity but its kind of hard after something like that... especially when you stick out for being in uniform. So I head to my next gate in Atlanta to catch my next flight to LaGuardia... The airport was FULL of army boys. Entire flights of just army boys! Sweet. Anyways... back to the story... The one flight of all army boys was about to be shipped out to somewhere overseas and there were enjoying their last moments in America... and the gate agent announced that their flight would be delayed a few hours. I've never heard soo many people cheer and clap so loud and be so happy about a delay. Very funny.
I made my flight... got first class and again, fought to not sleep so I read some more... and here I am at LaGuardia... This is my least favorite airport for sleeping in... They have about 6 chairs to sit in and its cold and the lights are on and people are coming in and out and the door is open and you can hear the cleaning people and the ground people coming in and out and talking all night. Plus you have to be awake by about 4:30am because people start checking in at that time for their next flights. Well I TRULY hate it today because all the chairs are taken. What the heck?!
So this is it. I'm getting a freaking crashpad. I can't handle this anymore. My friend has space in her crashpad and I'm gonna bite the bullet. I need my rest before a 12 hour work day tomorrow and I cant freaking rest.
May 11
So I got a chair... well a mini couch thing that your feet have to go up and over... smaller than a bathtub. So I slept there for 3 hours before people started coming in and being rude and loud to check in. I woke up and changed into uniform in the bathroom but not before getting verbally sexually harassed by the ground control workers. You know when you think that something bad is going to happen but you have confidence that it wont... and then when you actually get very scared that something very bad could happen to you? Yeah. Mine was the second... The guy was screaming down the hall because I hadn't told him "hi"... even though I didn't hear him the first time and then after that he got so belligerent that I ignored him. Even after I was in the women's bathroom I could hear him yelling and I hid. For about 5-10 minutes I actually feared he would follow me in there and do bad things... I did nothing but sit and listen for footsteps and for the door to open. Again. I'm getting a freaking crashpad.
I head over to the Marina Terminal around 5am since TSA is opened over there and I can sleep for about 2 and a half more hours before check-in time. It was the best sleep ever in the lazy boy chair. I wish they didn't close down that Terminal at night... because I would totally live there, which I guess is why they close it. I had 5 flights to do that day... My crew was very nice and very new. The weather was great so we kept getting in early so we would have like 20 minutes to sit on the plane and eat or sleep or make calls before we started boarding again... which was nice... I got a couple of quick naps in.. on the 4th flight we got to come back to LaGuardia and sit for 2 hours.. which means we all got an hour and a half nap in the comfy lounge and then headed to our last flight to Washington DC. I was pretty excited about DC because I have a friend there and I have never been and never seen the capitol!
We had a VERY scary landing because of weather in DC.
So I got in late and showered and ate dinner... It was SO cold and rainy! So we just snapped a quick picture of the White House and left. Let me tell you that I thought it would be WAY bigger and more far away from everything. But its smaller than in my mind's eye and right in the middle of it all.
BUT now I can say I've seen it. :)
I was very happy to sleep in a real bed and have a hot shower.
May 12
Today is my sisters birthday. She is 23 now.
I only have 3 flights today. Which is still more than I prefer to do in one day... especially such short flights. We don't have to check in until 1pm so we get to sleep in. Happy day. The weather is ugly today and Im concerned for delays and cancellations. My hotel room tv doesn't work so I cannot check the news but at least I have the internet to check the weather in NY.
Our first flight was easy... about 20 something people on it... and then we hear we are getting rerouted. Our minds can only race to where Delta will send us... All of us are off tomorrow so we pray they don't extend the trip into our off day... or maybe we will just get our flights cancelled... we have no idea... All we know is that we are going to be deadheading back to DC... which means that we don't work the flight... we just sit and sleep and still get paid for it. Not bad... but we don't know what is going to happen to us once we get to DC... will we stay there? will go to atlanta or salt lake? we don't know.
luckily we just had the one cancellation and we go back to our regular schedule to work that 7:30 flight back to New York which is scheduled to arrive at 8:45. I book a flight in good faith on the 9pm Atlanta flight and pray I get on it... Of course we got delayed on the runway and of course the bus didnt come pick us up for 30 minutes... so I missed the flight.
Here I am in LaGuardia again. I encountered another true lounge rat like me... I've seen him before in JFK and suspected he was like me... and I was right. So we compared tricks of the trade... and I learned a couple of new secrets. Heck Yes. But I do intend on getting a crashpad as soon as money permits.
Meanwhile "Lounge Rat" makes for some good adventures and stories to tell the kids one day... I meet alot of interesting people... and I get to tell you all my stories... whether you believe them or not. :)
The plan for tomorrow is to take the 6am Atlanta flight... Chill in Atlanta with my friend and run some errands... visit my favorite bar/restaurant and take the 8pm flight to San Antonio to see my family for 3 days for the last time for awhile... Then the rest of the month I fly NON-stop. I can't wait! I LOVE this job. I love being a nomadic fancy hobo... I won't be able to stand the hobo part too much longer I'm afraid... but everything else is good. I just get worn out since i don't have a steady place to sleep when I get to New York without feeling like I'm putting anyone out. So I think an investment into a crashpad will help that a lot. Anyways... Im gonna try and sleep for 3 hours before the lounge gets loud again. I claimed my chair for the night already... peace out hobos.
May 10... almost May 11 (officially)
Today was my little sisters graduation from UTSA. I couldn't have been prouder of her. She deserves it more than anyone I know. So we watched her cross the stage and screamed when she went across and took all of our pictures... Then to her house to get ready for the BBQ celebration. I had to pack and get in uniform since I had to fly out at 3:50 which was the last flight of the day and that's kinda risky but I didn't feel like I had a choice since I really wanted to be at the graduation.
We took all of our pictures together and my friend came to take me to the airport... We made it just in time! San Antonio is so bad about their construction and just closing areas down with no warning so we did a few loopy-rounds until we finally got there. I rushed in to get through security and San Antonio is laid out where crew members cut the main line of people and go to the first class line... and then we are allowed to cut in front of people so we don't miss flights. So I apologized to the people as I cut them... cause I really do feel bad about cutting... and I guess the guy behind me didn't hear... and threw a 3rd grade hissy fit. I'm obviously in uniform and obviously in hurry... I probably delayed him maybe 30 seconds... and he says... "Excuse me, you just cut."
I said, "Yes sir, I did. I'm crew and I have to get to work."
So he pouts and tells the TSA lady (which is Security) that I cut in front of him and starts looking around at the people behind him like he's gonna try and gather up a gang or something.
TSA just told him, "Yessir, she is crew. She is allowed to cut."
What a jerk that guy is. Heck. He was probably there 2 hours early for his flight anyways.
So I made my flight barely and read half of my very good book and fought to stay awake so I could sleep good tonight. We were on a really small plane so I had to carry all my bags up and down the stairs because there was no jetway... and mostly people helped me because I was obviously having issues. Well on my way out of the plane stairs and up to the airport I fell down the stairs... the guy behind me helped me up. SO embarrassing! I tried to regain some dignity but its kind of hard after something like that... especially when you stick out for being in uniform. So I head to my next gate in Atlanta to catch my next flight to LaGuardia... The airport was FULL of army boys. Entire flights of just army boys! Sweet. Anyways... back to the story... The one flight of all army boys was about to be shipped out to somewhere overseas and there were enjoying their last moments in America... and the gate agent announced that their flight would be delayed a few hours. I've never heard soo many people cheer and clap so loud and be so happy about a delay. Very funny.
I made my flight... got first class and again, fought to not sleep so I read some more... and here I am at LaGuardia... This is my least favorite airport for sleeping in... They have about 6 chairs to sit in and its cold and the lights are on and people are coming in and out and the door is open and you can hear the cleaning people and the ground people coming in and out and talking all night. Plus you have to be awake by about 4:30am because people start checking in at that time for their next flights. Well I TRULY hate it today because all the chairs are taken. What the heck?!
So this is it. I'm getting a freaking crashpad. I can't handle this anymore. My friend has space in her crashpad and I'm gonna bite the bullet. I need my rest before a 12 hour work day tomorrow and I cant freaking rest.
May 11
So I got a chair... well a mini couch thing that your feet have to go up and over... smaller than a bathtub. So I slept there for 3 hours before people started coming in and being rude and loud to check in. I woke up and changed into uniform in the bathroom but not before getting verbally sexually harassed by the ground control workers. You know when you think that something bad is going to happen but you have confidence that it wont... and then when you actually get very scared that something very bad could happen to you? Yeah. Mine was the second... The guy was screaming down the hall because I hadn't told him "hi"... even though I didn't hear him the first time and then after that he got so belligerent that I ignored him. Even after I was in the women's bathroom I could hear him yelling and I hid. For about 5-10 minutes I actually feared he would follow me in there and do bad things... I did nothing but sit and listen for footsteps and for the door to open. Again. I'm getting a freaking crashpad.
I head over to the Marina Terminal around 5am since TSA is opened over there and I can sleep for about 2 and a half more hours before check-in time. It was the best sleep ever in the lazy boy chair. I wish they didn't close down that Terminal at night... because I would totally live there, which I guess is why they close it. I had 5 flights to do that day... My crew was very nice and very new. The weather was great so we kept getting in early so we would have like 20 minutes to sit on the plane and eat or sleep or make calls before we started boarding again... which was nice... I got a couple of quick naps in.. on the 4th flight we got to come back to LaGuardia and sit for 2 hours.. which means we all got an hour and a half nap in the comfy lounge and then headed to our last flight to Washington DC. I was pretty excited about DC because I have a friend there and I have never been and never seen the capitol!
We had a VERY scary landing because of weather in DC.
So I got in late and showered and ate dinner... It was SO cold and rainy! So we just snapped a quick picture of the White House and left. Let me tell you that I thought it would be WAY bigger and more far away from everything. But its smaller than in my mind's eye and right in the middle of it all.
BUT now I can say I've seen it. :)
I was very happy to sleep in a real bed and have a hot shower.
May 12
Today is my sisters birthday. She is 23 now.
I only have 3 flights today. Which is still more than I prefer to do in one day... especially such short flights. We don't have to check in until 1pm so we get to sleep in. Happy day. The weather is ugly today and Im concerned for delays and cancellations. My hotel room tv doesn't work so I cannot check the news but at least I have the internet to check the weather in NY.
Our first flight was easy... about 20 something people on it... and then we hear we are getting rerouted. Our minds can only race to where Delta will send us... All of us are off tomorrow so we pray they don't extend the trip into our off day... or maybe we will just get our flights cancelled... we have no idea... All we know is that we are going to be deadheading back to DC... which means that we don't work the flight... we just sit and sleep and still get paid for it. Not bad... but we don't know what is going to happen to us once we get to DC... will we stay there? will go to atlanta or salt lake? we don't know.
luckily we just had the one cancellation and we go back to our regular schedule to work that 7:30 flight back to New York which is scheduled to arrive at 8:45. I book a flight in good faith on the 9pm Atlanta flight and pray I get on it... Of course we got delayed on the runway and of course the bus didnt come pick us up for 30 minutes... so I missed the flight.
Here I am in LaGuardia again. I encountered another true lounge rat like me... I've seen him before in JFK and suspected he was like me... and I was right. So we compared tricks of the trade... and I learned a couple of new secrets. Heck Yes. But I do intend on getting a crashpad as soon as money permits.
Meanwhile "Lounge Rat" makes for some good adventures and stories to tell the kids one day... I meet alot of interesting people... and I get to tell you all my stories... whether you believe them or not. :)
The plan for tomorrow is to take the 6am Atlanta flight... Chill in Atlanta with my friend and run some errands... visit my favorite bar/restaurant and take the 8pm flight to San Antonio to see my family for 3 days for the last time for awhile... Then the rest of the month I fly NON-stop. I can't wait! I LOVE this job. I love being a nomadic fancy hobo... I won't be able to stand the hobo part too much longer I'm afraid... but everything else is good. I just get worn out since i don't have a steady place to sleep when I get to New York without feeling like I'm putting anyone out. So I think an investment into a crashpad will help that a lot. Anyways... Im gonna try and sleep for 3 hours before the lounge gets loud again. I claimed my chair for the night already... peace out hobos.
Friday, May 9, 2008
"Leave"
"It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it? It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.
I want to repeat one word for you:
'Leave.'
Roll the word on your tongue for abit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted it to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."
-Donald Miller (excerpt from "Through Painted Deserts")
I've been back in Texas for almost a week. I've been burnt out, depressed and stressed. I knew seeing my family would be helpful but I didn't even know how much I needed this. I honestly didn't even know how much healing I have yet to go through. I've conquered so much in the last few years. I have so much more to accomplish.
If you DON'T know me AT ALL... then let me do a VERY quick recap.
Hi. I'm Julie, I'm a 25 year old divorcee, missionary kid from Chile. I am not divorced because I'm a bad person or because I did anything wrong... My husband just kinda flipped a switch when he changed careers and decided he didn't love me anymore... almost overnight. I went through everything I could to save what I could... I went through hell and back and got persecuted along the way. I am not a hero. I'm a ragged survivor, I suppose. Only the people closest to me know what I went through. I stayed pretty silent through it all since it was no one's business but my own. Some people thought differently. I lived through the single hardest year of my life here in Texas and finally moved away. It was the best thing I ever did. Those close to me hated it but eventually understood why. I would relive that year if it meant I would be able to help another person through it. I prefer not to relive it so I published a book of poetry that I wrote in that time frame to help other people going through a similar situation.
That being said... It is very hard for me to come back to this city. As dramatic as you may think I am... This is the area where I made my happiest moments... where I dated, married and lived for 2 and a half happy years of marriage... This is the area where I also lived my worse moments... the last 6 months of my marriage and the 6 months afterwards.
I've known how important my family was to me... but now I can truly say that I would not be where I am if it weren't for them or my closest friends... Emily & Kara. Only these 6 people can vouch for the circumstances... Only these 6 people would I feel completely comfortable representing my case while I wasn't looking. These people know me well enough to back me up no matter what rumors go around... They are the only people who love me enough to be honest with me and express their concerns and their moments of pride with me. I love them and appreciate them more than they will ever know.
I've survived part one of the healing and I know that part 2 is more of a personal thing than anything and it is learning to be comfortable in my own skin. To this point, I have never felt more comfortable or loved myself more than now... which is kind of scary because I still have a very long ways to go.
I say all of this because I am in the process of cutting off communication with people that need to go. I will always be here as a friend for anyone who needs me. I will be a shoulder to cry on or a life of a party to celebrate with... But my ties are getting tighter with the ones I care about most and share with my most personal things. Don't feel bad if I don't respond to messages, texts, e-mails or phone calls. I'm taking time to know what I want... to love myself enough that I won't need romantic relationships to feel loved... to save myself for the best thing to come, whatever that may be.
I know that my life has many great things to come in store... but I'm tired of being a Jonah... I'm tired of not caring enough... I'm tired of being selfish and selfless all in the same sentence. I cannot even explain everything right now that I am in search for... and I don't expect you to even begin to understand... and that is ok. Just know that I am simplifying my life. Plain and simple.
I'm not "going" anywhere... just making changes where they are needed. Some of you won't even know I'm letting go because our relationship is healthy... some of you will take it harder than others... but just know that it is best for everyone. I love my friends... that means you. I'll be "here"... just not 24 hours everyday.
I hope you can understand,
it's time to move on...
it's time to leave.
I want to repeat one word for you:
'Leave.'
Roll the word on your tongue for abit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted it to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."
-Donald Miller (excerpt from "Through Painted Deserts")
I've been back in Texas for almost a week. I've been burnt out, depressed and stressed. I knew seeing my family would be helpful but I didn't even know how much I needed this. I honestly didn't even know how much healing I have yet to go through. I've conquered so much in the last few years. I have so much more to accomplish.
If you DON'T know me AT ALL... then let me do a VERY quick recap.
Hi. I'm Julie, I'm a 25 year old divorcee, missionary kid from Chile. I am not divorced because I'm a bad person or because I did anything wrong... My husband just kinda flipped a switch when he changed careers and decided he didn't love me anymore... almost overnight. I went through everything I could to save what I could... I went through hell and back and got persecuted along the way. I am not a hero. I'm a ragged survivor, I suppose. Only the people closest to me know what I went through. I stayed pretty silent through it all since it was no one's business but my own. Some people thought differently. I lived through the single hardest year of my life here in Texas and finally moved away. It was the best thing I ever did. Those close to me hated it but eventually understood why. I would relive that year if it meant I would be able to help another person through it. I prefer not to relive it so I published a book of poetry that I wrote in that time frame to help other people going through a similar situation.
That being said... It is very hard for me to come back to this city. As dramatic as you may think I am... This is the area where I made my happiest moments... where I dated, married and lived for 2 and a half happy years of marriage... This is the area where I also lived my worse moments... the last 6 months of my marriage and the 6 months afterwards.
I've known how important my family was to me... but now I can truly say that I would not be where I am if it weren't for them or my closest friends... Emily & Kara. Only these 6 people can vouch for the circumstances... Only these 6 people would I feel completely comfortable representing my case while I wasn't looking. These people know me well enough to back me up no matter what rumors go around... They are the only people who love me enough to be honest with me and express their concerns and their moments of pride with me. I love them and appreciate them more than they will ever know.
I've survived part one of the healing and I know that part 2 is more of a personal thing than anything and it is learning to be comfortable in my own skin. To this point, I have never felt more comfortable or loved myself more than now... which is kind of scary because I still have a very long ways to go.
I say all of this because I am in the process of cutting off communication with people that need to go. I will always be here as a friend for anyone who needs me. I will be a shoulder to cry on or a life of a party to celebrate with... But my ties are getting tighter with the ones I care about most and share with my most personal things. Don't feel bad if I don't respond to messages, texts, e-mails or phone calls. I'm taking time to know what I want... to love myself enough that I won't need romantic relationships to feel loved... to save myself for the best thing to come, whatever that may be.
I know that my life has many great things to come in store... but I'm tired of being a Jonah... I'm tired of not caring enough... I'm tired of being selfish and selfless all in the same sentence. I cannot even explain everything right now that I am in search for... and I don't expect you to even begin to understand... and that is ok. Just know that I am simplifying my life. Plain and simple.
I'm not "going" anywhere... just making changes where they are needed. Some of you won't even know I'm letting go because our relationship is healthy... some of you will take it harder than others... but just know that it is best for everyone. I love my friends... that means you. I'll be "here"... just not 24 hours everyday.
I hope you can understand,
it's time to move on...
it's time to leave.
Monday, May 5, 2008
so here I am...
I was heading on my way to New York from Nashville on May 2 to fly a 5am rotation for that next morning. Well we had a crazy night the night before... and I'm not even going to go into that story... but definitely top 10 in the weirdest nights in my life... so we fell asleep very late... very short sleep and I had to fly out at 1:50 to New York with a 40 minute stop over in Cinci-Nasty. Of course by noon I hadnt showered or even packed or eaten anything... I barely made the flight.
I've been trying to drop that rotation for 3 weeks... It was just a fast turn and I'd only get paid for about 3 hours of work and it was going to consume all my time... but no one would pick up that trip. So I get to Cinci and grab some nasty pizza really quick and my phone rings...
It's In-Flight Scheduling.
They tell me that my trip just got dropped. I was like YES! No LaGuardia sleeptime for me tonight!
but why couldn't they have called just one hour earlier when I was still at home in Nashville?
Well you know and I know that my life has no 'point b'. So I quickly cancel my flight from Cinci to LGA and try and figure out a few options.
1) Head straight to San Antonio early and I can go to church on Sunday with my parents.
2) Head home to Nashville, get some sleep catch my friend 27 and friends for another night out, and clean my house then head to San Antonio
3) Head to Austin and drive into San Antonio the next morning and surprise my parents at church
4) Head to Atlanta and get halfway to Texas and see my GA friends...
Well I missed the last flight out to SA by like 5 minutes.
and the flights to nashville were full... and my friends in atlanta had plans... and i couldnt get ahold of my girl in Austin... so I temporarily freaked out.
Finally I heard from Lynn and she was down for pickin me up in Austin and driving me down to SA the next morning..
Suweet.
I got first class down to Texas and slept for a minute. Lynn dropped me off at 1604 and 281 starbucks and my other friend picked me up to take me to church.
So I do have a point B... it's just never a normal things like everyone else's.
My mom was so surprised that she cried. That was pretty cool to surprise her. I was not so excited to step foot back in that church again... which is why I brought the moral support of my friend... I conquered it head on and saw all the people that most hurt me in the last 3 years (they were all sitting behind me)... My hands were all shaky and sweaty and we did our fake smiles like nothing has ever happened between us... I'm so not a fan of fake. I'd rather tackle things caveman style cause I'm not good at expressing myself verbally either... only by writing... which is why i text and aim...
So now I am just chilling, working on myspaces, visiting my parents, visiting friends and that's nice. I'm lookin forward to getting back to work and fly my butt of for 2 weeks straight... probably more... im sure... but we shall see what is gonna happen. I'm trying to take things one step at a time... and trust that God is going to take care of me and all my bills...
my very wise friend told me that God wouldnt have brought me this far... I believe him.
I've been trying to drop that rotation for 3 weeks... It was just a fast turn and I'd only get paid for about 3 hours of work and it was going to consume all my time... but no one would pick up that trip. So I get to Cinci and grab some nasty pizza really quick and my phone rings...
It's In-Flight Scheduling.
They tell me that my trip just got dropped. I was like YES! No LaGuardia sleeptime for me tonight!
but why couldn't they have called just one hour earlier when I was still at home in Nashville?
Well you know and I know that my life has no 'point b'. So I quickly cancel my flight from Cinci to LGA and try and figure out a few options.
1) Head straight to San Antonio early and I can go to church on Sunday with my parents.
2) Head home to Nashville, get some sleep catch my friend 27 and friends for another night out, and clean my house then head to San Antonio
3) Head to Austin and drive into San Antonio the next morning and surprise my parents at church
4) Head to Atlanta and get halfway to Texas and see my GA friends...
Well I missed the last flight out to SA by like 5 minutes.
and the flights to nashville were full... and my friends in atlanta had plans... and i couldnt get ahold of my girl in Austin... so I temporarily freaked out.
Finally I heard from Lynn and she was down for pickin me up in Austin and driving me down to SA the next morning..
Suweet.
I got first class down to Texas and slept for a minute. Lynn dropped me off at 1604 and 281 starbucks and my other friend picked me up to take me to church.
So I do have a point B... it's just never a normal things like everyone else's.
My mom was so surprised that she cried. That was pretty cool to surprise her. I was not so excited to step foot back in that church again... which is why I brought the moral support of my friend... I conquered it head on and saw all the people that most hurt me in the last 3 years (they were all sitting behind me)... My hands were all shaky and sweaty and we did our fake smiles like nothing has ever happened between us... I'm so not a fan of fake. I'd rather tackle things caveman style cause I'm not good at expressing myself verbally either... only by writing... which is why i text and aim...
So now I am just chilling, working on myspaces, visiting my parents, visiting friends and that's nice. I'm lookin forward to getting back to work and fly my butt of for 2 weeks straight... probably more... im sure... but we shall see what is gonna happen. I'm trying to take things one step at a time... and trust that God is going to take care of me and all my bills...
my very wise friend told me that God wouldnt have brought me this far... I believe him.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
she ain't nothin but a gold digga
so.
i got my second delta paycheck and it was the same as the other one... and i'm upset, depressed, and confused. i think delta started making fun of me too because they sent me a package in the mail today about the delta savings plan. are you kidding me right now? i wish that were even an option. how about the delta poverty plan? when do i start to get packages in the mail about that?
i tried to sell my car today... i couldnt even do that. i owe too much money.
i have three options to make my life work until the money starts to get better...
1) Give up. put everything in storage, give my cats away and just not pay rent anymore and let them re-po my car... i mean my credit cant get much more worse.
2) Give it away. Anyone feel like moving to nashville and taking over a fully furnished apartment with a car? It's fairly affordable to someone who has a real job.
3) Get married. The tax benefits would be better, he can pay the rent and have a real job and i'll never be home and he can take care of my cats... hey! and you can fly for free too! soo... any takers? I've gotten quite a few marriage proposals since i started this job but none that can afford me. Its the perfect relationship... we'd never see eachother and you can fly anywhere you want for free!
so... if you were in my shoes, what would you do?
i got my second delta paycheck and it was the same as the other one... and i'm upset, depressed, and confused. i think delta started making fun of me too because they sent me a package in the mail today about the delta savings plan. are you kidding me right now? i wish that were even an option. how about the delta poverty plan? when do i start to get packages in the mail about that?
i tried to sell my car today... i couldnt even do that. i owe too much money.
i have three options to make my life work until the money starts to get better...
1) Give up. put everything in storage, give my cats away and just not pay rent anymore and let them re-po my car... i mean my credit cant get much more worse.
2) Give it away. Anyone feel like moving to nashville and taking over a fully furnished apartment with a car? It's fairly affordable to someone who has a real job.
3) Get married. The tax benefits would be better, he can pay the rent and have a real job and i'll never be home and he can take care of my cats... hey! and you can fly for free too! soo... any takers? I've gotten quite a few marriage proposals since i started this job but none that can afford me. Its the perfect relationship... we'd never see eachother and you can fly anywhere you want for free!
so... if you were in my shoes, what would you do?
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