"Leave"

"It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it? It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.
I want to repeat one word for you:

'Leave.'

Roll the word on your tongue for abit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted it to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."
-Donald Miller (excerpt from "Through Painted Deserts")

I've been back in Texas for almost a week. I've been burnt out, depressed and stressed. I knew seeing my family would be helpful but I didn't even know how much I needed this. I honestly didn't even know how much healing I have yet to go through. I've conquered so much in the last few years. I have so much more to accomplish.

If you DON'T know me AT ALL... then let me do a VERY quick recap.
Hi. I'm Julie, I'm a 25 year old divorcee, missionary kid from Chile. I am not divorced because I'm a bad person or because I did anything wrong... My husband just kinda flipped a switch when he changed careers and decided he didn't love me anymore... almost overnight. I went through everything I could to save what I could... I went through hell and back and got persecuted along the way. I am not a hero. I'm a ragged survivor, I suppose. Only the people closest to me know what I went through. I stayed pretty silent through it all since it was no one's business but my own. Some people thought differently. I lived through the single hardest year of my life here in Texas and finally moved away. It was the best thing I ever did. Those close to me hated it but eventually understood why. I would relive that year if it meant I would be able to help another person through it. I prefer not to relive it so I published a book of poetry that I wrote in that time frame to help other people going through a similar situation.

That being said... It is very hard for me to come back to this city. As dramatic as you may think I am... This is the area where I made my happiest moments... where I dated, married and lived for 2 and a half happy years of marriage... This is the area where I also lived my worse moments... the last 6 months of my marriage and the 6 months afterwards.

I've known how important my family was to me... but now I can truly say that I would not be where I am if it weren't for them or my closest friends... Emily & Kara. Only these 6 people can vouch for the circumstances... Only these 6 people would I feel completely comfortable representing my case while I wasn't looking. These people know me well enough to back me up no matter what rumors go around... They are the only people who love me enough to be honest with me and express their concerns and their moments of pride with me. I love them and appreciate them more than they will ever know.

I've survived part one of the healing and I know that part 2 is more of a personal thing than anything and it is learning to be comfortable in my own skin. To this point, I have never felt more comfortable or loved myself more than now... which is kind of scary because I still have a very long ways to go.

I say all of this because I am in the process of cutting off communication with people that need to go. I will always be here as a friend for anyone who needs me. I will be a shoulder to cry on or a life of a party to celebrate with... But my ties are getting tighter with the ones I care about most and share with my most personal things. Don't feel bad if I don't respond to messages, texts, e-mails or phone calls. I'm taking time to know what I want... to love myself enough that I won't need romantic relationships to feel loved... to save myself for the best thing to come, whatever that may be.

I know that my life has many great things to come in store... but I'm tired of being a Jonah... I'm tired of not caring enough... I'm tired of being selfish and selfless all in the same sentence. I cannot even explain everything right now that I am in search for... and I don't expect you to even begin to understand... and that is ok. Just know that I am simplifying my life. Plain and simple.

I'm not "going" anywhere... just making changes where they are needed. Some of you won't even know I'm letting go because our relationship is healthy... some of you will take it harder than others... but just know that it is best for everyone. I love my friends... that means you. I'll be "here"... just not 24 hours everyday.
I hope you can understand,
it's time to move on...
it's time to leave.