the "r" word with a dash of the "c" word.

Current mood: catalyzed
Category: Life
The Question of Today:
How much do you need to compromise in a committed relationship before it is unhealthy?

I know this much...
I know that a relationship that is healthy requires compromise from both parties.
I know that relationships are give and take otherwise you will always be butting heads.
I know that if you care enough about another person that compromising isn't always as hard as you thought it would be.

Here's my little story... I've only had 2 real romantic relationships. The man I married and my boyfriend of 8 months years after my divorce... I mean... I had a lot of non-relationships in between... but those two were my only real serious ones... because I am not counting my boyfriend when I lived in Chile... that was only trouble... and I was 15.

I compromised a lot in my first "real" relationship... I didn't compromise ANYTHING in my second relationship because I thought I had "learned my lesson".
If my ex husband said the sky was green... I said okay. I knew he was wrong... but I'd rather not fight about it and I figured that was his sad perspective... so in our relationship I knew that the sky was blue and sometimes orange and red and purple but for our sake it was always green. Obviously that is only an example... I'm pretty sure he really didn't think it was green... well who knows? He was an odd one.

In my second relationship I think I might have been a little more close minded because I was bound and determined not to let a boy alter my perspective ever again.

I believe there is a fine line of compromise... I believe it is a blend of vanilla and chocolate to make a mocha and create something new and fresh that neither of you had thought of before. It's the sunsets of purple, orange, red, blue and yellow that have a streak of green in them that will blow your mind... who knew?

Why are relationships so hard now days where marriages end so abruptly but a dating relationship can last for years? Is it because in the back of our mind we still have an out in a dating relationship? Is it because things are at our fingertips in this day and age and we can have anything we want at any time with a dial of just a few buttons? Are we so much about instant gratification that we forgot what is worth fighting for... that the things that are most worth while do not come so easy?

I flinch at the thought of my sister getting married in September. Don't get me wrong I am sooo happy for her. They are the most perfect couple... but yeah. I'm scared for her. I do know that if anyone can make it work... they can. Why? Because they are two amazing christian people who put God first before themselves and each other.

Makes me raise my standards 100 par. Why waste time with someone who you cannot see yourself marrying? When you do find this person though... who is a "maybe one day" guy... it is hard because you each have your own lives. Different jobs that schedules don't match... different cities... different plans... someone has to compromise... or do both compromise? Does love mean giving up your vanilla to make mocha-chocolatay? :)

Anyways... relationship is a scary word to me. the concept is even worse. but sometimes you just find someone that changes your mind... that flips your life upside down and consumes your thoughts and feelings... and the things you thought you wanted get blurred and you forget what your dreams were until later... do you resent that person years down the road? I didn't even realize how unhappy i was in my marriage until it was taken away from me. I realized how much I had given up and how little he had. I realized that I lost who I was. what a long recovery road it has been... and how much more I still have to go.

So for discussion purposes... how much compromise is okay before you cross the line to being just completely whipped?

"Leave"

"It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it? It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.
I want to repeat one word for you:

'Leave.'

Roll the word on your tongue for abit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted it to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."
-Donald Miller (excerpt from "Through Painted Deserts")

I've been back in Texas for almost a week. I've been burnt out, depressed and stressed. I knew seeing my family would be helpful but I didn't even know how much I needed this. I honestly didn't even know how much healing I have yet to go through. I've conquered so much in the last few years. I have so much more to accomplish.

If you DON'T know me AT ALL... then let me do a VERY quick recap.
Hi. I'm Julie, I'm a 25 year old divorcee, missionary kid from Chile. I am not divorced because I'm a bad person or because I did anything wrong... My husband just kinda flipped a switch when he changed careers and decided he didn't love me anymore... almost overnight. I went through everything I could to save what I could... I went through hell and back and got persecuted along the way. I am not a hero. I'm a ragged survivor, I suppose. Only the people closest to me know what I went through. I stayed pretty silent through it all since it was no one's business but my own. Some people thought differently. I lived through the single hardest year of my life here in Texas and finally moved away. It was the best thing I ever did. Those close to me hated it but eventually understood why. I would relive that year if it meant I would be able to help another person through it. I prefer not to relive it so I published a book of poetry that I wrote in that time frame to help other people going through a similar situation.

That being said... It is very hard for me to come back to this city. As dramatic as you may think I am... This is the area where I made my happiest moments... where I dated, married and lived for 2 and a half happy years of marriage... This is the area where I also lived my worse moments... the last 6 months of my marriage and the 6 months afterwards.

I've known how important my family was to me... but now I can truly say that I would not be where I am if it weren't for them or my closest friends... Emily & Kara. Only these 6 people can vouch for the circumstances... Only these 6 people would I feel completely comfortable representing my case while I wasn't looking. These people know me well enough to back me up no matter what rumors go around... They are the only people who love me enough to be honest with me and express their concerns and their moments of pride with me. I love them and appreciate them more than they will ever know.

I've survived part one of the healing and I know that part 2 is more of a personal thing than anything and it is learning to be comfortable in my own skin. To this point, I have never felt more comfortable or loved myself more than now... which is kind of scary because I still have a very long ways to go.

I say all of this because I am in the process of cutting off communication with people that need to go. I will always be here as a friend for anyone who needs me. I will be a shoulder to cry on or a life of a party to celebrate with... But my ties are getting tighter with the ones I care about most and share with my most personal things. Don't feel bad if I don't respond to messages, texts, e-mails or phone calls. I'm taking time to know what I want... to love myself enough that I won't need romantic relationships to feel loved... to save myself for the best thing to come, whatever that may be.

I know that my life has many great things to come in store... but I'm tired of being a Jonah... I'm tired of not caring enough... I'm tired of being selfish and selfless all in the same sentence. I cannot even explain everything right now that I am in search for... and I don't expect you to even begin to understand... and that is ok. Just know that I am simplifying my life. Plain and simple.

I'm not "going" anywhere... just making changes where they are needed. Some of you won't even know I'm letting go because our relationship is healthy... some of you will take it harder than others... but just know that it is best for everyone. I love my friends... that means you. I'll be "here"... just not 24 hours everyday.
I hope you can understand,
it's time to move on...
it's time to leave.